Wow. It's been ages since I've composed any sort of blog. Probably about 7 months, to be exact. Which is presicely how long I've been clean and sober.
A lot has changed in the day and the life of Beth. Night and day, differences.
I feel like a completely different person. All the changes are good, thankfully. I have a LOT to be greatful for. I have grown, so much, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
Basically, the whole cliffnotes version of my life since November:
Got DWI #2. A complete fluke. I was sober, but had had wine at Patty's earlier that night (about 5 hours). Since I had been awake for a good 26 hours, I fell asleep on the way home, behind the wheel. It was 5:30am. Clearly, I was feeling the effects of fatigue. I didn't get pulled over, but I had hit a curb at a construction site with such impact that I blew out two tires and deployed 3 airbags.
I got carted off the jail and remember that all I wanted to do was sleep. I slept, alright. I slept til noon the next day, in general population, until my bail was set. I didn't cry. I didn't think much of anything. I was numb.
I do remember thinking something along the lines of "what have I done?" and "I can't do this anymore."
I couldn't continue to live the life I was leading. Hell, I still hadn't even gone to court for the first DWI.
A week or so later, I went to my drug/alcohol evaluation at Recovery Healthcare per the requests of my lawyer. My attorney, Gene Beaty, probably saved my life.
Throughout months and months of rehab, I swallowed my pride and accepted responsibility for my actions. I have a sponsor and have been working the steps of AA. Completely unexpected Beth bahavior.
I stand by the program. I thought it was a cult, in the beginning. All this talk about a higher power, spiritual awakenings, etc. Then I got to know the people. They're real people with (I can't even stress this enough) AMAZING stories. That's what I enjoy most about AA. Hearing real life stories about how it was vs. how it is, today.
Most people don't even know that they have drinking problems or a budding alcoholism. I can now look back and say that most of my friends are indeed practicing alcoholics or at least abuse alcohol. That's why I chose them. At the drop of a hat, any of them would have been down to go to the bar and hang out with me until the bars closed.
Misery loves company.
That's not my place, though. I still go to bars and I have fun, sober. I shoot pool, play darts, mingle... and nobody would be able to tell I wasn't drinking, except for the lack of stupidity, physical deterioration, low standards, and slurred speech. I get told several times a week that people can really see a complete difference in me. It's like I'm alive, again. Glowing.
I've filtered out all the negative influences. I still have friends that drink, but not ones that pressure me or act like whorebags. Trashy friends. This wasn't, to say, that I did it on my own accord. Almost simultaneous to my arrest, my "friends" seemed to drop off the face of the planet. Whereas I would bend over backwards for each and every one of them, the courtesy was not reciprocated.
You find out who your true friends are.
In all actuality, after I filtered them out, I started surrounding myself with people who genuenly care about me and my well-being. People I can actually say are my friends. Some still drink and use, sure, but not excessively. Some are fellow AA members who know what I have been through and can relate.
Although I have two DWI convictions under my belt, no drivers license, an alcohol monitoring device on my ankle, and have to see a probation officer regularly, I am continuing to go to my rehab program and have never been happier.
It's weird. Happiness.
Serenity.
I've started to think and feel like normal human beings should. I can feel emotion, pain, hunger, and guilt. These are not bad. These are part of that growth process that makes you YOU. The important thing is to make amends to yourself and others to move forward rather than relishing on your past. I am lucky to be alive, lucky I didn't kill anyone else, and lucky to have a second chance.
I fucked up a lot in the past few years. I'm the first to admit it. But ya know, I wouldn't change a thing. This is experience that I can pass along to friends, loved ones, and maybe even a future family. My future was bleak, but now I have a new light at the end of that dark tunnel which is brighter than it ever was, before.
There's a guy at work who reminds me a lot of someone I once knew...someone who broke my heart, of course. It's not that I think about him all the time, but when I do, the feelings of hurt and lack of self-worth recapture me. Most of the time I think I am pretty worthy of love. I live my life honestly, whole-heartedly, and with exurberance, I'm generally kind, I fight for what I believe in, and I love with all I've got. So why didn't this person see it? I guess that's not a fair question.
Quick update before bedtime:
Sorry I haven't written in forever (considering I only have one reader...Rhonda...sorry lady). I have been working my ass off and have been totally absorbed by the holiday madness. Please forgive me. I had a wonderful Christmas and a wonderful new years. My list of Christmas presents are as follows.
I'm singing Christmas songs, I'm feeling slightly depressed for no reason, I've gained weight, and I'm financially stressed (for no reason really because I have money).
You know...it's kind of funny looking back and pondering what I thought my future would be like when I got older and realizing how OFF I was. LOL...for example:
when I was in kindergarden, I wanted to be a vet....yeah, no.
when I was in 3rd grade, I wanted a Dodge Neon...in purple because it was my favorite color. I hate purple...and I'm not a fan of za neons.
when I was in middle school, I wanted to dance. hahahahahahahaha
when I was in high school, I thought I'd marry my first boyfriend, that I'd go into advertising, and would to go to the Academy of Art College in San Fran...yeah...SO OFF.
Now that I'm getting older (no more wiser, of course) and all of my friends are one by one getting married, having kids, graduating, ugh. I realized how off I really was. I gotta tell you though, I'm more on track than a lot of people I know. So, I'm not saying I'm at all disappointed at where I am in life, because for the first time in.....forever, I feel really comfortable with where I sit in life.
Changing the subject though, Eric and my one year anniversary is coming up, and we're adopting a dog!!! How excited are we?!
What am I thankful for?
So, I can't wait until this semester is over. I have just about THE worst classes ever. BLAH. Philosophy=the worst and most useless class I've ever taken...period.
I was walking up to my door last night when I noticed a CD (so I thought) in the dirt in front of my apt. So I bent over to pick it up, dusted it off and realized it was a porno DVD. Well, it looked like nothing but titties so if anyone wants a free porno, lemme know.
haha.
The town in which I live in is trashy.
YEE-UCK.
